BaCk tO yOuR HeaRt
by JuLiet the DarmaQueeN
Summary: aNNa thanks a lot for emailing me my story! really it was v important to me )
1. 2 years later

He didn't know where to go or what to do. Dylan McKay had been driving around for hours, without direction.

Well, after all, that had been his entire life, no direction whatsoever. He was tired of it. His talk with Brandon kept coming constantly to his mind.

"You've hurt her too much, Dylan..." and he had. Hadn't it been enough? Wasn't it time to just drop it? He was putting his life in order finally, he was marrying KELLY. He loved her, didn't he? And she loved him, and now that he knew Brandon was cool with that, there was nothing to worry about.

He stopped the car in front of the Walsh house, for the second time. He knew Brandon would be out, he had probably expected that he would want to talk to Bren himself.

He _had_ to see her again. Last time had happened so fast, and it had been so long since the last time... of course he was angry at her by the way the things had ended in London, but what did it matter? She was _back..._

He rang the bell.

Brenda came out at the moment, almost as if she would have been expecting someone, the moment her eyes met his she felt sick.

Of course she had been expecting this. She had spent the whole day with Donna talking about it, and practicing what she would say. Donna knew what had happened between the two of them back in London. Well maybe she didn't know everything, but she had the big picture, and she understood. She understood the way Brenda felt about him after all the years, she understood why she didn't want to let him know she was coming in the first place.

She had been preparing to face him again all day long but, _of course_, she wasn't ready. She just stared at him.

"Can I come in?" Dylan asked in his raspy voice. Brenda didn't say anything; she just moved aside and let him in.

But she was decided to stand for herself this time; he wasn't catching her out of guard anymore.

"I'm sorry about yesterday..." she said, decided to talk first.

"Yeah well... so am I" Dylan said. Suddenly all his anger seemed to be fading away as he regarded the girl standing in front of him. Did it matter? He was tired of being angry at her; he had been for so long since they parted, he was tired.

His answer surprised Brenda, who was expecting some sort of argument.

They went to the living room to sit down.

Brenda's whole speech was forgotten, she couldn't think of anything besides of the way Dylan was staring at her. Why? Why, after all this years, did his eyes _still_ made her feel so... _weak_?

"How have you been?" He asked, gazing at her. It seemed such a lame question to ask and still... he just wanted to sit there, besides her, and forget all about the thing he had come by to tell her.

"Well you know... working...I was feeling kind of overwhelmed actually, so I decided to take a vacation..."

"I'm glad" Dylan could always notice when Brenda started to get nervous; it was high school all over again. There she was, trying to guess what he would say next, and there he was, trying to seem strong. All he really wanted was to take her into his arms.

But he didn't.

"But I guess you've been pretty busy yourself. The club... Kelly..."

She regretted it at the moment; she shouldn't have mentioned the name. And not just because at the moment, Dylan's gaze changed completely, but also because, the sole mention of Kelly's name to Dylan felt just like a punch in her stomach.

She wasn't that naïve. She knew that, even if Dylan was sitting right next to her at that moment, that didn't mean he didn't love someone else.

Not just someone else.

_Kelly. _

Dylan: yes I've... I've been meaning to talk you about _that,_ Bren...

Did she want to hear what he had to say? It had been more than 2 years since they last saw each other, and this was to be the first thing they would talk about? Kelly??

God, why this kept happening to her? She did an effort to hide her frustration.

Brenda: yeah, Brandon told me you wanted to see me earlier today.

"Well, how _Brandon_." Dylan thought. He had told Bren that Dylan had stopped by to talk to her about something, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Brenda just what Dylan had to say, leaving her all curious, so that, even if he didn't want to give Brenda the news at _that_ moment, he was gonna have to. Of course, Brandon didn't do any of this with that specific intention, he probably just wasn't ready to break such a new to his sister, and who could blame him? Dylan himself didn't want to be the one to tell her, but what else could he do? Letting her find out for somebody else? Brandon was one thing, but what if she heard it from the others? Kelly was sure to start spreading it around as soon as she was back, and that could be any day now. It would be terrible if Bren was to find out from David, or Steve, or even Kelly herself. Dylan knew only too well that Kelly would be more than happy to be the one telling Brenda that they were getting married. No, he couldn't let Brenda go through that, he wouldn't give Kelly the satisfaction of catching her by surprise, which would be too low.

No, he had to get it together and tell her. Only he couldn't possibly...

"It figures" Brenda said, casually. "Well... can't say I'm too surprised to seeing you two together."

"What??" Dylan asked, in a weird manner, almost as if he was hurt by her comment.

"Well, you know, besides of the fact that... well, I already _knew, _Brandon told me while I was still in London of course." Dylan smiled at what she said, so she smiled too.

"But you know, "she continued. "I was kind of expecting it when I heard you had come back"

She couldn't look into his eyes while saying this, she just couldn't. she realized Dylan was just staring at her in silence, so she went on, trying to carry on as if they were talking about somebody else, as if the guy who was in love with her once best friend wasn't the love of her life, but somebody totally unfamiliar.

"I'm sorry to break it to you but... you've become quite predictable as time goes by" she said, smiling. Joking, did she felt like joking? NO. This was being a good actress trained in RADA.

"Yea, I'm afraid I have" Dylan said, gazing at her, knowing that there could be nothing less funny than this, but smiling anyway.

Suddenly he had a thought. Maybe Brenda didn't need to know at that very moment that he was marrying someone else.

Not someone else.

Kelly.

She didn't have to know right then, did she?

Dylan: hey, do you wanna go grab a bite or something? You feel like coffee?

Brenda: two years since we last talked and all you can say to me is you feel like coffee??

Brenda asked, bursting into laughing. Dylan laughed too. She had not changed and, as he was now finding out, neither had he.

"I really want to talk to you" Dylan said finally. "Please come with me".

Brenda: well I guess we really have a lot to talk about...

"more than you know" Dylan said, half of him exited at the idea of spending the evening with her, but the other half of him could nothing but feel guilty about what he had to tell her.

"Ok, lets go" the girl said. She couldn't help herself. She had been all mortified thinking about the things Dylan and her would have to say to each other, but now that he was there, holding her hand and leading her to the door, it all just seemed so... useless. It was useless to worry about what she would do when Dylan and she were together, because things hadn't change that much and she still felt ready to give anything to be by his side.


	2. yOuR wiNteR

THE FUNNY SENTENCES ARE PART OF A SONG CALLED "YOUR WINTER" YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD IT, IT'S REALLY GOOD. ENJOY AND PLEASE REVIEW!

"Have you said hi to Nat?" Dylan wanted to know.

"I was here this morning with Donna." Brenda said. "He has not change"

"Nothing has change since the last time you and I were together here" Dylan said with a coy smile. "Especially you and me".

Then Brenda just gave him a look that was kind of sad. "Nothing has change more than you and I, Dylan".

It wasn't what she wanted to believe, but she felt she needed to say it.

That brought Dylan back to reality.

"Maybe we should go to some place else" Dylan suggested. Maybe it was the best. They could easily run into somebody they knew. He wanted their conversation to be private; he didn't feel like having David or Steve joining for dinner.

"Oh that's just bollocks" Brenda said, laughing. "Come with me". And she stepped out of the car.

Dylan smiled, and followed her.

When they entered, Nat didn't try hard enough to hide his surprise at seeing Dylan and Brenda walking in together as if it was the most natural thing, although Dylan knew in his mind that it would cause quite a reaction, or at least quite a few questions.

"Brenda! Dylan! How about that?." Nat was obviously shocked.

"Hey, Nat!" Brenda greeted him, as she walked towards him to give him a big hug.

Nat: I'm thrilled, twice in one day!

Brenda: well you have Dylan to thank, he is buying my dinner.

"Well, what do you know? I'll thank him indeed..." Nat gave Dylan and inquisitive look as he said that, but Dylan chose to ignore him.

Nat: so, sit down please, what can I get you kids?

Dylan: uh... actually, we would like a table, just so we can...you know...

Dylan didn't finished his sentence, Nat was already grinning for no reason apparently.

"Well sure... of course, silly of me. Why don't you sit there, I remember you used to like that table over there, I'll be with you in a minute".

Brenda smiled involuntarily. It was true. They had sat at that same table a lot of times, just the two of them.

As soon as they sat, Nat went to give them their menus, although it was kind of unnecessary, after all, there were only four things Dylan and Brenda ordered when they were there together.

"I got to tell you" Nat started, as he handed them the menus. "I'm really glad to see you here, I mean, both of you, it feels so good to know you are back home... well... you know what I mean."

"Of course we do, Nat." Dylan said, somewhat unwillingly touched.

"I for one am really glad to be here" Brenda said, as she held Nat's hand and they smiled to each other.

"Well now... I'll leave you two kids alone. I'm... I'm sure you must have a lot of catching up to do am I wrong?" Nat finally said, as he seemed physically unable to hide how touched he was at the scene of the two of them sitting together. Dylan just smiled.

"I'll have a lot of questions waiting for me tomorrow when I show up to work"

Dylan said, grinning.

Brenda: and will you have the answers?

Dylan: I hope so.

He hesitated, and then he went on.

Dylan: you know, it might not have seemed so yesterday, but I'm happy to see you Bren.

_There. _He had said it. She had never been able to resist the way he called her _Bren._

"**_Grey ceiling on the earth, Well it's lasted for a while..."_**

Brenda: it's good to see you too, Dylan.

Brenda told him as she gazed into his eyes. It was as if time had stopped, and Dylan's world was reduced to the two of them.

The dinner went on. He talked about his life in Beverly Hills, and she talked about his work, London, and the new part she had been offered for next season. There had been no troubles between them back at London. There was no Kelly. **_  
_**

When they were finished with their dinner, they said goodnight to Nat, and walked to the car. Only instead of going back to the Walsh house, they just drove away, and after a while Dylan just stopped the car and they got out and started walking around the beach.

Brenda: it seems so weird to be here with you right now...

Dylan: yea, I know what you mean. After all... here we are.

Brenda: you know, sometimes I think... what if Brandon had not liked surfing back then?

Brenda said, as she took off her shoes to walk on the sand.

Dylan didn't seem to understand her question.

Dylan: what are you talking about?

Brenda: well, maybe if he hadn't come surfing with you that day... you two had not gotten so close, and the two of us might have never met.

Dylan couldn't help but laugh.

Dylan: Nah. I would have figured out a way to get to you. I just liked you too much.

This time was Brenda who laughed.

Brenda: you didn't even know who I was!

Dylan: well, not at first, but when I saw you jogging around with that yellow hair... well, that are not easy to forget.

Brenda felt ashamed just by remembering.

Brenda: god! I so wanted to die, seriously.

Dylan: well, I had seen you before, but at that very moment I told myself... 'Man... you got to have this girl´.

They started to laugh again.

Dylan: hey what can I say? I had the hots for you.

"**_Take my thoughts for what they're worth, I've been acting like a child..."_**

Brenda: you know why I did that to my hair, don't you?

Dylan: why?

Brenda hesitated for a moment before speak. "Because of what you told Kelly, about how you liked blondes? I wanted to look like her so you would like me"

She felt the punch in her stomach again. Why was she even saying that stuff? Did she want Dylan to feel sorry about her?

Of course he didn't. That was the last thing she wanted. Actually, the last thing she wanted was to see him and Kelly together again, but that couldn't be help now.

"**_Your opinion and what is than? It's just a different point of view..."_**

Dylan felt a sharp pain inside. _Kelly._ He was there to tell her about Kelly. If only the girl in front of him knew how many times he had wished that all the women he was with would look a little like her...?

"That was not necessary" he finally said, while he looked at her in the eye, wishing for her to see inside his soul. Wishing for her to guess all the things he wanted to say.

Brenda: well, that's what I thought, but then again... you are with _her..._

"Bren, I..." Dylan tried to say something but nothing seemed to come out of his mouth.

"As I told you, I'm not that shocked" why were her lips shaking? She was ready for _this. _"That's the way it is between us. You are with me; until you figure it out that you really want to be with _her_".

Dylan felt a sharp pain in the chest. Why did she hurt him like that? She couldn't actually believe that, after all he had loved her...

"You were never a consolation prize, Brenda" he said to her, as he grabbed her by the shoulders to make sure she was looking at him.

"**_What else, what else can I do? I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry..."_**

As he looked into her eyes, he had that familiar sensation. The feeling he most frequently had when he was with Brenda. She was wrong; things had not changed that much between them. Why else would he feel that he was losing all his self-control on the account of her eyes? God! those eyes of hers.

He thought about a lot of things. He thought about telling her how wrong she was for being jealous of Kelly. He thought about telling her the real reason why he had left London. It was all because she was so damn good.

"**_I said I'm sorry, but what for?, If I hurt you then I hate myself, I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you..."_**

God, she looked so beautiful right then, in his arms. Her hair lose and her lips shaking. Suddenly he thought about how he had not yet given an answer to Kelly's proposal. He had asked her for time, and he had returned to California looking for Brandon, but then Brenda had opened the door. Was it just coincidence? No, Brenda and he had never been coincidence.

Why not forget all about Kelly and stay with the woman he loved? Everything in his life had been so hard... didn't he deserve peace with the love of his life?

Why had Brenda Walsh chosen that very same time to return to see her brother? Was faith giving him one last chance to be happy?

"I've loved so much my whole life..." he thought, but just then, this voice at the back of his head spoke to him.

"But you've hurt her too much". Surprisingly, it was not Brandon's voice. It was his owned.

"**_Why do you choose your pain?, If you only knew how much I love you..."  
_**

"And what was I then, Dylan?" Brenda managed to ask, with a single tear falling down her cheek.

This was not a chance to be happy. This was his chance to do the right thing. He thought he had done that back in London, but now there she was again. It was time for closure.

"Tell me, please." She begged, now with the tears falling openly from her eyes. "Tell me what I am because, for the first time in my life, I have no idea of what you are thinking!" she cried. And indeed she was crying. Dylan could have cried himself on account of the pain he was feeling.

He cleaned her tears away with his hand; the other one was still grabbing Brenda's shoulders.

There she was, asking him to tell her what she had meant to him, but the truth was that she was actually asking him to tell her that he still loved her. But that he couldn't do. He was to be married. And she..., well, she was to be happy, although she might not think that way now.

He couldn't make her happy. Someone else would.

"**_I won't be your winter, and I won't be anyone's excuse to cry, we can be forgiven... and I will be here..."  
_**

"You were... the love of my life." He said, as he caressed he hair and gazed into her eyes. "I never thought I could love a woman the way I've loved you, Bren."

"Then why do you hurt me so bad!?" she asked, between sobs. "Why do you keep on hurting me like this!"

"I've never meant to..." this could be more that what Dylan could take. At that moment he just wanted to go down to his knees and beg for her forgiveness.

"Get it together, McKay".

"Don't you know what it is like for me to see you with her?" Brenda wanted to know. "I could handle it better if you were honest with me, why, after all that happened... is that what you left?"

"**_Old picture on the shelf, it's been there for a while, a frozen image of ourselves, we were acting like a child..."_**

The voice inside his head was on again. "Just let her go"

"But I can't..." he said to himself.

"Don't do what you want, do what's right for _her_. You and Kelly deserve each other, she deserves _bette_r."

Dylan seemed to be fighting every inch of his body to stop himself to taking her into his arms. He took two steps to the back.

Dylan: I can't make you happy Bren. I've tried, really but... things are just different...

Brenda: I thought you and I had not changed at all. God, why must we always go through this, once and again, you and me? Why can't you ever make up your mind?

"_**Innocent and in a trance, A dance that lasted for a while..."**_

Dylan: I thought we could work it out.

Brenda: but you just gave up on us, like always. You know what? I don't know why I expected any different from you.

Brenda said finally, in a harsh tone. She couldn't help it. Her sadness was starting to turn into anger.

"Yeah, neither do I" said Dylan.

He started to feel all this anger inside. It was so frustrating; there she was, standing in front of him, the only thing about his life that had been good. There she was, back to him after he had screwed it all up again, and now? He was supposed to just send her away like anything else. And even though he was doing the right thing she wasn't about to cut him some slack.

"What?" Brenda asked.

"Well seriously, what did you expect Bren? I screw up everything I touch, don't I? we can't all be as perfect as you and your brother! But hey! _That's_ me! I'm a natural creep! I'm as fucked up as always! And screwing things up with you just comes natural to me so why would you want anything to do with me anyway?!!!!!

"...because I loved you!!" Brenda shouted back at him. "And don't you dare to ask me why again because you know just too well that is why!"

She seemed to calm down a little, she took two steps towards him so she could look directly into his eyes, as she put her hand on his cheek, Dylan trembled all over at her contact. For a second he refused to gaze at her. But he finally gave in.

"I love you Dylan. I thought you loved me too." She said with her hand still on his cheek and her eyes still piercing his. She noticed how bad Dylan's lips seemed to be shaking.

"_**You read my eyes just like your diary, remember, please remember..."**_

"if you don't love me... well, I can live with that. It does not change the way I feel. But I need you to be honest with me now."

He just wanted to give in to his feelings and kiss her... but he felt that if he kissed her one more time there would be no way back. He had to be strong for the two of them. He had to speak soon, soon before Brenda could guess what his eyes were screaming to her.

"Kelly and I are getting married" he managed. He regretted it immediately. But there was no way back.

Brenda felt almost as if she could guess the six words, one after the other one. Her knees were empty. He actually had to take hold of Dylan's shoulders to stay away from the ground. Her shoes were now lying on the sand. And Dylan's eyes, that had met hers once again when he broke her fall, were now imploring her forgiveness.

"_**Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more, Is If I hurt you, then I hate myself, I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you..."**_

Brenda tried to speak but she couldn't. for a second they just stared at each other. The echo of Dylan's words in the air, and in Brenda's ears. Brenda was looking at him as if she saw him for the first time. Her huge eyes seemed to Dylan bigger than ever, and he had the feeling of being drowning inside of them.

Brenda kept gazing at him, as if he had just killed somebody. After a second of two, she just found her inner strength and tried to stand back on her own feet, as she tried to pull away from Dylan.

But Dylan wouldn't let go of her. He just stood there, holding her arms as she tried to brake away from him. This was useless of her, on the account that she had no strength whatsoever left on her arms.

Finally she managed to speak.

"I must go..." she said. No crying. No yelling. She just gaze into Dylan's eyes and said those words, as if she were afraid of him.

"**_Why do you choose that pain? ...If you only knew how much I love you..."_**

"Please Dylan, we'll talk tomorrow... I must go..." she said again. Dylan seemed to be trying to speak, but he couldn't. he just stood there, as she picked up her shoes and walked barefooted away from him.


End file.
